Digging Deep

Sometimes it takes a bit of ranting to be able to dig deep enough to see the truth. Today I had one of those mining days where I think I might have struck the good stuff. I discovered that I always say yes, because I want everyone to like me, all of the time. If they do, then I feel special, because so many people like me, and how many people can say that they are as liked as me. The thing is, I get so many people to like me, because I basically never say no. I always do what everyone asks me, no matter how simple. If you have a look at the type of people that like me, most of them are Eagles. Anyone who doesn't like me, is quickly removed from my life, or becomes insignificant to me because I don't associate with them unless I have to. So here I am, a dove, wanting to be an eagle, but behaving like a dove. I am liked by eagles, because I don't ask for anything, and I give whatever I am asked of. This is like a wuss. I dug deep to see if I could find where it came from. Actually as far as I could see, I felt very very average, if no below average. In my child hood I always got bullied by the eagles, and was overshadowed by my oldest sister, so that I had no identity of my own, at a time when I was seeking to understand who I was. I determined that I was very much average. I created this sense of importance, that I was someone very special. I was the next J.C. I created this alias when I was 13. I have held on to it until after I turned 33. As my life unfolded many of the situations I used as measures to prove I was indeed a special person failed with great celebration. In deed the failures now have been so many and so grand in scale, but all the time I would still continue the idea that I was someone special. My main stay method for doing this was to always do what other's wanted. That gave me a sense of feeling special. What I am looking for is the back to zero concept that exists with perfectionism. I have some sort of perfectist streak about me. Perfectionism is no good because you are only back at zero when you are successful, the rest of the time you are in negative territory. So lets say I am at a core feeling very much like an average human. Insignificant in my own world. So I create a sense of importance within my own imagination. The issue is that this illusion has moved me to behave in a particular way that has made me into a dove, in an eagle population. Also, it has been feeding my debt mirroring. So question is what exactly is the solution. Is it some sort of "love me" scenario? I do lack love. I am really good at pretending. But in truth my heart is empty of it. Why is that? If I am love, how can I love anything else? What I do is actually look for images of myself...images of how I see myself...as love? What if I don't see myself as love? What if I see myself as average? Then I am looking for images of love, but not feeling worthy. This then is a negative or debt basis. I feel I have to add something to myself to be worthy. For girlfriends, I was never good enough. I always had to have money and gifts, and provide the perfect experience for them in order to be good enough for them. I saw myself as average...and woman I liked as greater than me...considerably. I would constantly seek to add value to myself, through what I did for them and what I gave them, in order to get on equal level to them. This would just leave me at zero. I would never be able to get higher than zero because of this. The illusion is that I somehow see myself as average. This perception is completely self destructive. If I saw myself as something special is that the answer? It doesn't feel right. I have tried to make myself out to be something special by being a dove among eagles. This has not worked either. So, what exactly is the answer? If the problems of the world come from separation where each separate part is seeking to see itself as special, and it does this by competing against others to prove it's worthiness, and have itself exalted by the defeated, then the solution must lie within the opposite. If all those who would see themselves as needing to be special were already perfect...then the only way they could do it, was to separate themselves from perfection and become different levels of imperfection. The less imperfect they were seen to be by others, the more special they were. This makes sense. So the answer it seems is a complete acceptance that I am perfect already, and that so is everyone else. No one around me is any different from me, and any differences I see are illusions of the ego. The only way to be separate is through the ego. But through the ego, I am less than perfect for I have no control. I cannot experience myself, for I am under the influence of the ego. In order to detract from perfection....add ego. The greater the ego, the further from perfection you get. No ego, you are back to your true nature.