self destruct

I am sitting on a time bomb. That time bomb is me. I am self destructing and the time is near. I need to do a thorough review of all the things I am currently doing that can be construed as self destructive. Then I need to systematically commit to stamping it out.

1. attempting to create my own creative energy externally. This includes shares, currency, lotto, etc.

2. attempting to establish a sense of worth in the eyes of others in the physical realm.

3. (your turn to add.)

i am staring at myself in a mirror, looking at a mirror

Every conversation you have you should listen to yourself. You are telling yourself a truth.

By looking closely, all advice you give out is what you should be following. There are no co incidences, and the universe makes no mistakes, so every single thing including every phone call to every specific person, is an exact science, and everything you say is words for you to hear.

interpretations

How I interpret what I am experiencing changes based on the view I look at it from. If I look at something from the human perspective, I have such a limited view I can often be overly stimulated by what I see, so I will react strongly both positively and negatively. If I looked at the same thing from a universe perspective, actually I would probably have no reaction. I equate it to knowing or not knowing how a magic trick is done.

This also works for feelings and how I interpret them. From a human perspective I may get a sexy feeling and interpret that as body wants sex, and so go about instigating that one way or another. However if I were to view that same feeling from my higher self, or from the universe...what might I see? What of happiness, excitement and inspiration? There is definitely a chapter in this idea, that I need to explore. The reason is, that when I am at a human perspective when I interpret a feeling, I engage in a different behaviour, and therefore I set in motion a different set of events, from what I would do if I viewed exactly the same thing from a higher perspective. I equate this to 2 dimensional view verses 3 dimensional view, or even 3 verses 4th dimensional.

The decisions I make about things a dependent on the perspective I hold when I am at decision making time. This is a big deal, because of the karmic value of many of the decisions I make. If I make a decision about something because of I am viewing from a human perspective, and that causes a change in my future because it alters my potential, then I may have lost out a great deal. If I am a two dimensional view looking at a left or right turn....can't see around the corner of the next turn, so I have a 50/50 chance of getting it right, but if I get it wrong, and travel down the wrong path, that wrong path will have more intersections, with a 100% probability of going in the wrong direction. If I had a 3 dimensional view, I could see from above and I could see clearly on the service which way to go. If I had a 4th dimensional view, I would know which pathway of the right direction to take when both will end up getting me to the end, but it is unclear what could happen on the way that may change the outcome of the journey. The 3rd dimension equates to higher self or soul view. The 4th dimension equates to universe view.

The is a lot more work to do on this interpretation of the feelings, and other areas. I can see this is a new topic and should be explored thoroughly. There is a totally new potential awaiting me when I figure this one out.

What is it when my human mind is 'tempting me' with ideas of sex or food, or a video etc. What is the underlying truth? It isn't as we might have thought a simple random thought or impulse of the mind. Neither is it habit. It is telling me I need energy, and it is giving me ways to get it. Some of those are self gratification, some are physical but the underlying desire is that I generate a reaction of energy. This is incredibly interesting. Because why is it that I lack energy when I am an energy being? So does this mean that if I take a human perspective that the separation takes me off "the mains" and puts me effectively on "battery" - a finite source that needs to be constantly topped up or recharged. Hence the constant call on energy...aka 'desires' but for which I mis-interpret and therefore seek to manifest these desires which in turn results in a need for more energy, when in fact I was already showing low. Hence I end up having to go into debt to create things.

So I can change my interpretation and focus on 'correct' energy production or reaction, or I can stay plugged in and not delve too long if at all in the separateness of the human perspective.

OK, I accept all this very readily. Where I am at now....I totally get what it is to be at the human perspective. I even get what it is to be at the soul perspective. But I am not sure I am sorted on what it means to be plugged in.

Ok, here is a stab in the dark at it. When I view from the human perspective I see matter = concrete energy - the final by product or evolution of conscious thought's interaction with the universe. Everything appears separate. Everything seems easy to understand, because all things are separate there is a simple process of ownership and bartering to trade in order to gain different experiences. When I view from the soul's perspective I see the impact of actions of one person's behaviour to another, and I see the the energy of that action as real because it has a reaction in another soul. So my focus goes from external hard energy items which I seek and desire from a human perspective to have so that experiences may be had, to seeing the dynamic energy of the experience behind the object, and my desire goes more to the experience bases of things rather than the things. I release how the experience will arrive, and just focus my desire on the experience, whereas at a human perspective I have convinced myself that the object I desire will give me the experience, yet most times I am wrong because of mitigating circumstances which from a human perspective I could never have seen. At a soul perspective I seek to connect with other souls more than I do objects, but I still have expectations from those souls, in just the same way a human perspective has an expectation of an object to deliver a particular quality of experience. When it does not, he is disappointed, and discards the object. In the same way if a soul does not meet your expectations to deliver them the experiences you seek, then you too will discard them. So this brings me to the third point. Being connected back to the source. He there are no expectations. This way there is no way to be disappointed. There are no desires, so there is only abundance. There is nothing to want, because I have all. How to connect? I am pitching the idea, that I need to see the universe IN everything rather than see the individual object, or the individual soul as I do now. If I see these things as separate then how can I interact with them, without giving them something first to make them want to interact with me and do what I am seeking. But, if everything is the universe, and I see from the perspective of the universe, then it is like moving my own arm. There is no cost nor magic in it. There is more to it than this, as this doesn't entirely answer the question of how to connect to the source, but it certainly helps me with my comprehension that there is more to the perspectives I have been holding to date.

the human perspective

If my focus is on being the Universe, then I am not being my lower self, but may occasionally glimpse at my higher self. But if I am focused on being my Higher self, I feel it is easy to slip back to seeing my lower self perspective. When I focus on being my higher self, I tend to still have separation, and creation seems to be based on good deeds. When we look through the eyes of the human perspective we see other souls gaining things our lower self values. We wonder what they have done to deserve just a valuable creation, and desire to have that creation ourselves. The lower self always seems to desire objects, or manifested energy, where as the higher self seems to focus more on experiences. The lower self seems to create using karma. The lower self is controlled by the karmic rules, which have a inescapable system that rewards in line with the energy you sow. The most common method of creation on the lower physical plane is trade. Time is traded for Money. Money is then traded for goods. The higher self uses Karma to create. So if they soul ends up in a positive karmic balance, then the energy will manifest as gifts, and experiences, and potentially as money. But once again this is singular, and limited, and seems to be a case of limited creation based on using something up, and when it is gone, you are required to generate it again. If I did everything perfectly at this level it is possible I could have so much karma coming back to me, that my creation level is incredibly abundant.

However it seems to me that they only true way to do things, is to connect into the source. To become the universe perspective and cease to be an individual. This of course scares the living daylights out of all conscious minds, because they believe it is the end of their perspective, and it means nothingness follows. This of course is silly. Being the universe is simply viewing all things from the Universe perspective instead of from the individual soul perspective or worse still from the Human perspective.

I am more aware now every day. I have much to learn but I feel enlightened more every day, as I let go of the concrete energy that is the human perspective.

More on Potential

The topic of potential has arisen again, so I here to explore it. My potential. I am grasping at what actually is potential. There is total potential which means everything exists. Then there is my potential which is everything that I can imagine exists within reach of me. Then there is my personal energy value, and my karmic balance, which gives me the capacity to manifest different experiences. My focus has always been on my potential. I have seen and understood how corrosive desires are, for the debt that is created. I am infatuated with exploring what I am capable of. Telekinesis, telepathy, instant creating, etc. My sharemarket still sits dormant...yet it could have erupted into wealth. My currency trading could also have erupted into wealth. My day to day existance is one of barely getting by. I could win lotto, I could manifest buyers for everything on trademe....etc. I am still connected to this potential that lies there. I feel drawn to it, but not in a bad way but like I am supposed to be finding it. So I feel I am missing the point somewhere, and need to get this right. The question I have at the moment is...am I supposed to be accessing my potential, and am therefore doing something incorrectly which is preventing me, or is the very act of focusing on and pursuing my potential wrong because I am viewing my potential from the perspective of the ego? Is this one of the strands of connection to the ego I still have which is along with my reaction to Dorothy is detrimental to because it is keeping me anchored in the human perspective. I am awake, but I am still drowsy....it is like that. So I need to polish up and get rid of the last remnants of human connection to be able to move forward to the next point. So now I get it. My potential as what? is the issues. I think I have been focusing on my potential at the human perspective, and so I have had this potential cut off every time because my goal is metaphysical perspective and metaphysical development and metaphysical potential. If my human perspective potential developed then it would captivate my attention at the human perspective sufficiently to slow me down in my metaphysical development. By having had this perspective frozen my attention has remained firmly on my metaphysical development, since I have had no connection to how to access my metaphysical potential. (perhaps I have been shown, but it is far easier to focus on accessing my human perspective potential). So the lesson is therefore to relinquish every single aspect of connection to my human perspective. To start with this will mean....all negatives first, eventually it will mean ALL including positives.

This is something I can do immediately.

Focusing on my metaphysical Potential is a case of decision making. Each decision point is an intersection that enables me to turn left or right effectively. I need to be more aware of the what my alternative (metaphysical) potential is when my human mind offers me a 'left turn' human potential perspective. Sometimes it may well be abstinance. Other times there may be an alternative reality or simply an alternative experience with a superior energy value.

This idea came up again today. It is like...being able to see alternative realities. I am trading currency. I can see my potential for the currency to move in a direction that fits with where I want it to go. This will increase my wealth at a human perspective and enable me to clear out the last of my debt. I am not yet sure what I need to do to trigger this particular reality, as a means of understanding the creative process. I feel there is the capacity to control my environment and control my potential, I just haven't yet stumbled on how. This is what I am working on now. I can visualize. I can be decisive. I can have intention. I need to be connected to the source though. This also is still not clear. So much unclear stuff.

thought forms

What if we changed our perception of what a thought form is. What if thought forms where in fact energy gatherer's, like a harvest worker. (what you sow you shall reap). What if the thought form goes out and gathers up all of the energy related to it'self, and of course brings it back, because it belongs to you, it works for you. You are the "owner" and so you reap the benefits of your workers. The thought form it's isn't negative or positive when you send it out? But it will have a negative or positive effect on people as it interacts with them, and it will harvest the result of that. An action usually has greater consequences because it affects the receiver so significantly that they in turn have an effect on others around them. The thought form will follow the trail right to the end of it's life, harvesting everything related to itself, before it returns to you. This is the principle of Karma. Some thought forms have such a significant effect it may be out collecting for a life time, so it will not be calculated until the end of your current life span. This then will be added to your life's Karmic balance.

Anyway, the suggestion I have is to purposely send out thought forms as worker bees, with the express purpose of helping others. Will try this today.

Mathematics and the karmic power of a thought

What if every thought had a karmic value. How would you stack up at the end of a day. Would you be positively balanced or negative...and therefore facing a debt manifestation upon the "clearing" process. What if every action you did had 5 times the value of your thoughts. How would your Karmic value look then? Would it look little improved because of the sheer number of thoughts you have in a day by comparison to the number of countering actions? Or do your actions make your karmic equation look frighteningly worse?

Every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year, our karmic cycle completes, and a clearing process occurs, much like a clearing house in the investment world. As in a clearing house your profits and losses are realised, and recorded, and calls are made for more funds on hedged positions that have bridged their accepted margin limits. So too it works for Karma, which after all is simply another energy source to be invested. The energy equation needs to be calculated and settled for the cycle, and the profit and loss recorded and manifested.

This then is how we end up gaining and losing things materially...a guide to how things are in the energy or ethereal plane.

So it is incredibly important that we live 'aware' of the power that is in both what we do...(thoughts/actions/reactions) and what we don't do...(lack of taking up potential opportunities to affect others positively).

Start a routine of assessing yourself on an hourly, and daily basis, to see how you feel you have stacked up for those time frames. How is your karmic balance looking. Whatever it is...the result will manifest. If it is zero...then your life will have no change. If it is negative....you will have a debt of karma to pay.

Could you die for a stranger...who will never know your sacrifice...but which would provide them the opportunity to be able to spend another year with their family before they moved on? And all of the happiness that is generated by that person in that year would be credited to your karmic account. Would you take a karmic debt for a stranger, who would never know what you had done for them but would mean that this stranger could be released of their karmic debt, and would therefore no longer stay of a path that would have lead to them committing suicide, but instead goes forth and changes the lives of 100s of others who were in the same boat and saves them...and all of that karmic value feeds back to your account.

It is an interesting concept. It goes beyond being selfless. It becomes something so much more....it is like...you become for that moment....the universe itself.

aligning the pieces of the jigsaw

Just identifying the pieces of the jigsaw that are in front of me to help me figure out where I am at, and where to from here.

Debt has dramatically decreased. Time potential has increased.

Weight has increased. Finger nails still being bitten. Body healthy. Life currently no dramas. Potential:Dubai, and academy, Korea, and an unknown 4th option.

Comprehension expansion current focus. Tidying up and putting static things back in flow.

Food discipline still difficult. Current dilemma is balancing lower and higher self: First Initiation?

Battery issue with car: seems like it is on it's last legs...barely recharging...difficult to start like it is flat...feel this is potentially mirroring me. Two birds have struck my car. Current topic: working off other people's Karma. Potentially working off my own? Need to leave ABA.

the greatest gift

I often magnetise towards the idea of being unselfish, compassionate, and am an avid believer in harmlessness. But today, I discovered something that would leave all these behind.

The idea of working off someone elses Karma.

This is a major. Imagine, here I am....little ol' me earning massive points because I have taken a karmic debt off someone else, and relieved them of their burden. This is massive. Now I am not sure what this involves. It may well involve pain, or not. It may be, that I am able to work off their karma more easily than they can, and therefore I do not incur a vast debt in the process.

Imagine winning lotto, and using it to pay off the karma of others. Imagine willing entering into the loss of something valuable or the infliction of pain and suffering perspectives....(meaning I don't have to bond with and therefore choose to react as a sufferer) all for the benefit of someone else. What if they were to never know that you had done such a thing...actually, only the ego wishes for them to know that you did it for them. This is not necessary...for if it is known, perhaps the effect is lost, as the reward is gained in appreciation from them immediately.

So this then is another way to generate energy. One is to gift and network, the other is to work off karma.

I feel I still have some Karma to work off of my own. For I am still in debt and my energy production at the moment, is less than my outgoings. So I am still manifesting a negative karmic balance.

I need to look very carefully at myself, and make some strong decisions about where to from here.

Once I can heal someone instantly...is this helping them out with their Karma? It doesn't feel like it is, because the Karmic manifestation is removed...yes, but the Karma has it actually been worked out? What then does this involve?

Expanding my comprehension

I have been running around and around in circles not knowing what to do. I have been slowly running out of things to do within the potential I have before me. Due to giving up desires, and worldly focus, and then not having any metaphysical direction, I have become lost...until today.

Now I know that the way forward is for me to expand my comprehension with thoughts that stretch my mind, but aren't laced with desires. This is an important distinction to what I have been doing the past.

To visualize my potential without desire is to explore beyond the boundaries of what I have and thus expand my comprehension in the now. Such things as, expanding my comprehension on what could occur tomorrow.

I have been doing this for the last few days. It has given me a great deal of positive feeling. I have also been exposed to new ideas, so because my focus is on my comprehension expansion...that is exactly what I have been up to.

Here are a list of things that exist, that I am inviting without desire.

Clairvoyance, telekinesis, telepathy, instant healing, teleportation, being mentored by a master.

Having material wealth, mirroring metaphysical wealth.

These are fairly standard....I think we can do better than this. But it can't be dream land...it has to be comprehendable to occur in my coming day.

Interesting also to note, that desire of physical gain seems to create the negative situation.

On another tangent, happiness we experience, is the energy of someone else that we are receiving, rather than it being us. This is an interesting perspective, because it means that only via relationships of whatever type can we experience happiness. ie a connection to trees, or birds, or another person, or whatever. But it is due to having this connection that we are in line when the energy flows, and therefore we get to experience it. This makes happiness a gift, to be given, rather than something you have for yourself. That means that all happiness is from those around you. It is a bit of a twist on the original idea that is for sure.

So back to comprehension, there is also a need to be able to comprehend the workings of the universe. From this comprehension grows wisdom. For example, to be able to comprehend that this person should not be helped in this way or that, because without your help they will have to seek out and find an alternative which will enable them to grow, or intercept with another entity which will enable them a different experience so their wisdom will grow and they will benefit long term, but only because you decided to say no to them this time, otherwise you will have helped them and they will have gained in the short term, but you have not done them a favour in the long run. Being able to comprehend the workings of the universe in this way, and how vital intuition is to oversee this complex dynamic system of interaction with other souls, is very important. To be able to comprehend that a change of direction given to you, or a stalling of an outcome is a vital ingredient to you developing because it will result in a different future occurring. By comprehending this you will stop fighting the universal architects. This goes for everything from the red lights, to the stalling of Dubai. Everything is worked out to the smallest of details to get me the best possible future potential. So potential is not always about what I see in front of me.

I sit here unknowing...lost in translation of what has gone before me, in pieces of the jigsaw of life. My puzzle is evolving I guess, but it feels still like there are more pieces separated than there are together, and what is together is incomprehendable in any case. I hear a voice say...what do you want? But I hear what I perceive to be myself ask "who is it that would answer such as this question. Is it really me or is it the mind of the human entity I inhabit, seeking solitude in a perceived reflection of the evolved personality that binds us all together for the experiences we participate in? Does soul actually have desire? Do I as the observer care for what I experience? Desire certainly evolves in line with the personality. I seem impartial to all, once I have separated myself.

Finding myself

I have been looking for myself for many years. I have looked for myself through images....buying new clothes, new toys, new cars, and new experiences. I have looked for myself in new friends, new girl friends, new jobs, and new activities. I have looked for myself in numerous courses, endless books, an abundance of journals, and thousands of web searches. I have looked for myself, in self reflection, sought peer assessment, and even divine directives, yet nothing.

Today I went digging to start again. What is it to truly find myself. I have been on a journey to let go of all the illusions. I have let go of my desires, and ambitions, of my worldly possessions, my physical directions and I have reflected in meditation.

While in meditation, I had to let go of more. I still had more to let go.....the clothes on my back....the physical body I inhabit.....the thoughts I entertain in my mind.

Only then am I left?

Once I am there, what shall I add back? Will I add back the thoughts I have held in the past...do they serve to reflect my soul?

Will I add back the body I have....for all that is connected to it will return.

Will I add back the clothes....do I need them all?

Will I add back all the things? How many do I need? What role do they fulfill?

MARCH 2010

I have finally got everything listed on Trade me finally. Ling finally got her gst number through yesterday, so now I can move forward and finalize the sale of the cafe officially. She still has yet to get her manager's certificate, and the ABA has a problem with their liquor license which I will find out about on Monday at a meeting with the city council.

I am still on track to go to see Ji on the 23rd, although I have not heard back from the Korean Badminton Federation yet who are supposed to be paying for my ticket to go, due to the fact that they owe Ji for her last ticket and decided they would pay for mine instead.

Still have no idea what I am supposed to be doing next. It is getting a little bit peculiar because I really have no idea and I just have to wait. It is like being a super active person who has always been filling his time with things to do, but then waking up one day and discovering that the things that you have been filling your time with, including the things on offer to do next are inconsequential and irrelevant to the scheme of things. So since all choices on the table leave me feeling impartial, I am left sitting on my hands, not being constructive, and fully testing the capacity to convert back to the things I know for lack of having anything better to spend my time on. It is like money that burns a hole in your pocket....time is doing the same for me.

I wandered around for 40 mins yesterday outside the pizza place trying to decide what I wanted to do for dinner....let alone my life. And my life feels like that at the moment. I recognise that I am fulfilling everyone else's dreams and goals, instead of my own, simply because I can't see clearly. That would be ok, as long as it gave me a good feeling....but my heart is just empty....and it just feels like an unglorified "waiting to die" approach...with the exception that I am not "filling my time" with mindless games or videos....which when I was...at least took my focus off the emptiness that is there.

I acknowledge I still have some tidying up to do...and it is my goal to complete that this week. With this all done, I will have one more week to go before I leave for Korea for a holiday. I am trusting that by the time I come back my direction will be clear one way or another. One thing I am going to do....is make my life more simply. Not only to unclutter, but let go of ambition for most ambitions I had simply complicate my life and actually in the end, do not add any value to me metaphysically. What I definitely want to make sure doesn't happen....is that I end up creating a negative scenario....which then gives me a direction.....(getting back to zero).

Perhaps when all clutter is gone and all things are simplified, my way forward will be clearer.

I can see why I used to jump from one idea to another. It is the spark of a new idea that gave me purpose. Not too far down the journey I would uncover that the depicted direction taken had no true metaphysical value for me. On this basis, I would then be looking for a new potential. For this reason, I would always have a new idea, and never finish anything....and that was ok, but actually I feel disconnected to everything right now. So any new ideas, I simply see them for what they are before I start them. This makes me feel more lost.

Anyway, will soldier on, and stay as focused on my metaphysics as I can.

The human mind was created to gift experiences to the observer, without the observer needing to enlist desire.

The personality was created to evolve the human mind which would adjust the experiences the observer got to experience.

The soul is the vehicle that houses the observer.

The mind believes that the personality and itself are the one and only entity housed in the human form. The reason for this is simple...all else is beyond the comprehension of this mind.

The first awakening is simply a feeling. A sense that there is more that what other minds are telling me. That there is more to life, that what I see, even though I do not comprehend it because I am observing from the perspective of the human mind.

The second awakening occurs when I realise that I am not the personality either, for I hear another voice. This voice turns out to be termed a conscience. But this turns out to be a partition of the human mind, created to balance the ego of the mind on behalf of the personality, and keeps the ego in check.

At every evolution of awareness...I adopt the new perspective to be the truth of who I am, and there I stay until I further evolve to the next perspective which enables me to view the last...and a new truth is born for how can I be what I observe.

The next state of evolution of awareness occurs because I hear another voice. It is ever so quiet and infrequent initially, but then I discover that the level of truth in this voice is total. It has taken me a long time to listen more, and focus my hearing so that this voice dominates my view.

This second voice is termed to be intuition. This is I pre suppose a communication link to my management team. The mind doesn't stop doing what it does. My quest is to simply tune myself out of hearing it, or following it completely. This requires that I challenge it without emotion on every turn. And that it be my intention to follow this direction.

Is the next state of evolution the detachment of the human mind and personality.

My soul is an energy entity. This energy entity has three aspects to it.

One is the constant unchanging. This is the original essence. One evolves from the original essence. This is the universal perspective. The third one evolves at an individual level. This layer is affected by everything that occurs at my experience point that I interact or engage with. This is my individual perspective. This is the point that I limit myself from my infinite potential.

At the original essence, I am omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, I am everything, and therefore can experience nothing.

At the second perspective I am God self, a perspective, like a hologram made in the image of the original, or introverted in order to look inwards...looking back at the original essence. At the third perspective, I have individualism, as I limit my perspective of the universe, by creating an illusion, by adopting a more concrete perspective.

I can end up so far down the rabbit hole of the illusion, that I forget who I am and what my heritage is. I land in a place where all those around me have also forgotten.

My task is to awaken. It is not about the human perspective gaining god like power. It is about returning to a pure energy being.

At the moment I am using food to gain energy. It is like I am lacking energy. This is symbolic. My life battery is running out. I am proping it up. I need to move faster. I need to raise my energy levels to be able to survive.