Not seeing where I am going?

I have been missing a very obvious point for sometime now. Today I am putting the pieces together. My eyes have been so tired I look like I am on drugs. I talk to people and my eyes want to close all the time. For the conversation.

Here is my current hypothesis. Speaking is sending forth energy. In fact I am spending energy from my reserves. If what I say has an impact and makes a difference to the outcomes of future then it may result in it coming back to me and topping me up. But if it is like gossip, then it is harmful.
I am not seeing who I actually am. I keep seeing the illusion.
I am not performing my role in line with who I am.
I am not creating as a creator who is making something, but am instead I am being destructive by taking something of value away. 

blind leading the blind

I have discovered that the vehicle I am using is reflecting something classified as Benign Essential Blepharospasm. I never eat something I can't pronounce, but here I am faced with the joy of enduring this allegedly uncurable disease.  On the physical plane it is called "essential" because the doctors have no clue as to what causes it. In reality it is simple: Benign means Kind or gentle/of a favourable environment. Essential means something extremely important/absolutely necessary. So, lets break the code and see what we need to learn. Eyes are the window to the soul. So with eyes shut, it is like being blind. I am not able to see the world as it is presented in it's current form and must look at it from a different perspective. I can look at it from the soul's perspective. I can look at it through the same physical body but through other senses. I can look at it through my imagination. I can look at it through the eyes of someone else. (metaphorically speaking). The key is to understand, that all things including all seemingly debilitating diseases are there for a reason. And if it is "benign then it is a like a gentle reminder or a wake up call. If it is absolutely necessary then this is the only way that we will wake up. So wake the hell up. If I wasn't seeing something...ie like the debt issue, then I needed this to happen. Two reasons...it is Karma being paid off and secondly it is helping me to see even though on the outside it is essentially making me blind. 

Every time I speak, it triggers. I know that taking is "spending" energy. So less talking spends less energy. But there is more to it. One eye is blurring. This means I am not seeing the solution clearly. 

I understand it is time for a change....but I also understand I have to identify correctly what that needs to be. Doing the same thing gets doesn't get the same results....it gets the volume turned up.    

Debt

I was having a conversation with a friend who seems to mirror me in many ways. We were discussing debt and in that talk I discovered that I had been looking at debt from only one direction....money. But as we talked it became clear there is much more to it. Every time I borrow something, I incur a debt. Worse if I don't return the thing I borrowed but still a debt until it is returned. Every time I am late or make someone wait for me, I incur  a time debt. Every time I hold a desire without the immediate means to manifest it in front of me, I create a context which creates an energy debt, since each context  (the space in which a thought form exists) created seeks energy to manifest it's content. This ends up effectively that I am stealing from someone else to service this debt. The highest level of debt I have is currently to my wife.
I think in all our lives the people around us, help us service our energy debts. But at a cost.Eventually they will reject our parasitical behaviour and leave. Our objective in service, is to help others, but I do not believe it is to help them service their debts that our energy is best spent. I think it is more a tough love approach that we need. This is where Will comes in. Endowing someone with your Will sculpts their direction somewhat. They will either suck it up and positively change direction, or turn away from you and seek to continue their parasitic ways on someone else.
Our personal goal is to become debt free, then in service, help others to become the same. Karma is the educational tool that shows us how much and what type of debt we still employ/have left to pay. Karma is the reflection of debt creation. Stop creating debt, you stop creating Karma. Reincarnation is required because it takes so long to learn in a blind leading the blind environment. Learning occurs only when we look from the soul perspective as an observer, at what the personality is doing. Thus can we change the behaviour of the personality making it a better vehicle for us as the observer when using it.
Only through the personality can we reach other souls on this plane. But it is the blind leading the blind until we awaken from the debt encumbered personality perspective and acting within the best interests of the a higher perspective (aka the soul), do we move forward and become a useful tool towards the awakening of others and thus help humanity as a unit awaken to a higher level of consciousness.
That was a mouthful.

Life goal

My wife sat me down in a rare get together and asked me a simple question. What is your life goal?
My answer was not satisfying and has therefore prompted my consideration of more thought to the topic.
My answer was "to master myself" which up until 30secs after i said it, I had thought was a spiritually commendable answer. She shot that idea out of the sky with her next reply. "So...it's all about You!"
Now that woke me up like a cold shower. I really had nothing of value to say to that. I had deluded myself into believing that everyone around me was benefiting from that fact that my self development made me a better person, so I was the one people wanted to be around because of who I had become from that development. But this was clearly being communicated...that this was not enough. I was not fulfilling my other roles. Mainly...that of being a man. Nope, not a husband...that part was ok, at least so it appeared....but as a  Maslow's heirachy of needs  (food, shelter, protection and warm) provider. In this department...I was an absolute failure. Now interestingly enough, up until now down my pathway of spiritual unfoldment, I had seen myself as being virtuous via my non material focus and doing my best to stick to spiritual focuses, eliminating desires and mastering vices.
But now, a new turn of events was occurring. Now ordinarily my reaction would have been this: oh well, this is just the Universe shaping my life, if she leaves me then so be it. But, now I was seeing things differently. I live in the occident. It is my kama to be in the west and be submerged in Western Culture and focuses. It is my destiny to be where I am and to endure the values and offereings of the civilisation I am steeped in. It is indeed my duty to be a part of the group that makes up my current perspective of life and this includes my beautiful wife and includes helping her to achieve her goals where she is on the path. This life is about group service, not Ritchie. So here I am in a new direction, effectively starting again where I once was, but with a different motive...relating to the service of others. I am going to start with my wife and focus on that areas I am responsible for in terms of creating such as an income, a home, a new car etc.