Not seeing where I am going?

I have been missing a very obvious point for sometime now. Today I am putting the pieces together. My eyes have been so tired I look like I am on drugs. I talk to people and my eyes want to close all the time. For the conversation.

Here is my current hypothesis. Speaking is sending forth energy. In fact I am spending energy from my reserves. If what I say has an impact and makes a difference to the outcomes of future then it may result in it coming back to me and topping me up. But if it is like gossip, then it is harmful.
I am not seeing who I actually am. I keep seeing the illusion.
I am not performing my role in line with who I am.
I am not creating as a creator who is making something, but am instead I am being destructive by taking something of value away.